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prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2006-08-13 - 10:02 p.m.
Today is my birthday, I can't believe how much my life has changed, since I first started this diary, 5 yrs ago...
5 yrs ago, I was 31 years old, and rooted in the eternal spinster belief that I was going to spend the rest of my life, utterly and completely alone.
and oh how far I have come. this morning, I woke up to Sierra sitting on a corner of my pillow, waiting for me, to turn over, and snuggle with her... so I did, I rolled over, and she scooted down, and nestled under the duvet covers, and cuddled up to me, my arms twining around her small body, and we both fell blissfully back asleep, for another hour and a half.
and then we woke up and I told her that it was my birthday, and she said in typical 2 yr old fashion " it's sira's birthday too" and in a way, she was right..
Dear Sierra,
It has been three years, since you swept into my life, and chased all of the greyness away...
Not every person knows the exact moment, that they were conceived, but I have the wonderful gift of knowing that you were the best birthday present anyone anywhere, ever recieved. You have brought me so much immeasureable joy, that in the remembering of the past, I can barely stand to think of the life I lived, before you. But suddenly every moment, every hardship, every loss, makes sense to me now. Everything I went through was to ensure that I would truly understand what a gift I was being given, in the gift of you.
Every day, in your sweet baby voice, you tell me that you love me "sooo much" and it still moves me to tears. I couldn't find a purpose or a focus or a meaning in my life, before you, but now I can see it so clearly, in the twinkling sparkle of your eyes, as you hold my hand, and LEAP into the pool, before I finish saying " on your mark, get set..." SPLASH!" You are so animated, and lively, and whenever I look into your exquisite little face, I see my whole future and my past,merging together in all it's shining splendour and I want to live another 36 years+, to experience this new life, with you. ( always with you)
and I thank you for that.
Whenever I look at old pictures, you ask me, "mommy, what's that" and I say, oh that was mommy,at a party in nycity 7 yrs ago, or that was mommy in london 14 yrs ago.. etc.. and you always say " can sira come too??"
and I always laugh and say "yes baby"...
cause baby, whereever I have been in this world, something tells me that you were never far behind... and that through it all, you were watching me from somewhere distant beyond the stars,where the eden of angels dwell, until I somehow wished/dreamed/willed you into our very beautiful existence together.
today, we spent it swimming and laughing and swinging in the hammock, and eating ice cream, and there were even pony rides.
baby, you are everything to me, and I love LOVE LOVE you with all my heart
happy birthday to me, and yes, Sierra, happy birthday to you.
love,
Mommy
old starlight - new starbright
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