prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2006-09-24 - 1:10 p.m.
Even within the layers, of all the joy that Sierra brings me, their is a hollow undercurrent of bitterness that seeps into the sweet. and I hate that I can't seem to change it.
I love her, I love being a mother, I love that she is always with me, and that I never have to surrender her or be without her. I will always be grateful for that, but I feel like I have failed, on so many other levels. and my failings, are eventually going to hurt sierra in the long run. it feels unavoidable.
I fear the way that she yearns for a daddy. I was not at all prepared for her awareness at such a young age. she has asked me, several times where her daddy is.
I have told her that he is far away. ( if westchester can be considered far away ) and that he is busy being a ( volunteer) fireman, and that he wishes that they could be together ( if wishing means," I wish you well, have a good life ", in a vague detached kind of way) but that it is not possible now for them to be together, because he needs to stay at the firehouse and that someday perhaps, ( if he needs a kidney and decides to look her up) they will be together.
She understands this story in the innocent way that only small children can. I do not want to create too much of a mythical fairy tale, or make him to much of a hero ( when he is nothing of the kind) but I still kneel at the alter of perpetual gratitude to him, for the gift of my my most beloved child.
but the other day, I overheard her telling her little friend, " my daddy live very far away, but that ok, he coming home soon."
in that moment, my heart just about shattered into a thousand pieces. I will never be able to fill or fix this tiny empty space. and it kills me. it just kills me.
I just wish that fairy tales sometimes came true. God knows I kissed my fair share of frogs. I was promised a prince, and a happily ever after, framed with the white picket fences that most little girls dreams of.
I was told that I could be anything that I wanted to be when I grew up, and even though I have a college degree I am qualified for basically nothing except entry level jobs and NY State has made it nearly impossible for me to get my certification to teach, and I have all but given up. I was told if you work hard and save your money you will be assured some sense of financial safety except when having a child out of wedlock, and having it all slowly drained away.
and my dream house. well, we probably will not be able to afford to live here much longer.
No money. No career. No social life, no friends, noone to talk to, not a moment to myself, ever.
and yet. the beauty is constant.
life is going on all around us. I feel distant and removed from everything, except for sierra. She is the only thing that keeps me pinned to this spinning world.
Yesterday I asked Sierra if she knew who MY mommy was.and she looked concerned and said,
" I don't know, mommy, I am just your baby"
and oh god, if I had it to do over again, a thousand times I would. I would always choose Sierra, I would always always always choose my baby over any man.
I just hope someday sierra will fully understand and forgive me for the choices that I did make. Because this is all I have to offer her. Please god. let it somehow be enough.
old starlight - new starbright
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