prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2006-11-08 - 4:10 p.m.
It is profoundly sad for me to watch sierra growing up so fast, it is every mother's lament, but I feel like it is even more bittersweet, as she is my one and only.
The putting away of her clothes that she has so rapidly outgrown nearly sends me into fits of hysteria. I can't bear to give them away,or donate them. so, I hold onto them. the last desperate act of a mother in denial. I can't imagine that I would ever be able to have another child, or that I will ever be financially secure enough to be able to adopt one. but i feel so greedy. One is not enough. Sierra has been the panacea of all my old hurts. She brings me immeasureable joy. and even though it is harder than anything I have ever done before, and the sacrifice is huge, the payoff is tremendous! It is the magicalness of living vicariously through your small child's excitment. and of nurturing your own inner child. Sierra is sooo excited about Christmas, and I can not tell you how excited I am about this Christmas,more than any other Christmas I have ever spent.
This year, it is evident that there will not be many presents. and I certainly won't be getting any or exchanging any... (except for a few small thinsg for sierra) but it is not about that. It is about the lights, the family, the mugs of hot chocolate with the little marshmallows, the smell of balsalm and pine, the crackling of the wood in the fire place, the snow falling outside ( Syracuse ALWAYS has SNOW) the jingling bells, on the front door that ring every time another relative stops by.
And there are so mant things that I want to experience through/with Sierra. I want to make a gingerbread house, and christmas cookies with her and her cousins. I want to sing along to christmas music as we decorate the tree. I want a beautiful tapestry of traditions and family for sierra. more than anything in the toy catalogs. I want to be rich in memories and I want Sierra to know how much she is loved, and how special she is.
Everyday, waking up with her, is like Christmas morning. and this time, with her is so deeply precious and fleeting.
I am holding on with both fists. but time marches on. and she always seems to manage to be two steps ahead of me. at any given moment. and so far, I can honestly say, I am always right behind, trying to soak it all in.
old starlight - new starbright
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