prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2006-12-05 - 6:15 a.m.
"I do it myself"
This is a refrain that is heard often at our house. Sierra is asserting so much independance nowadays, that it can be both prideful and frustrating to witness. Every task, becomes a time consuming procedure, as she attempts to do it herself, to dress herself, squeeze the toothpaste onto the toothbrush ( and the sink, the countertops, and the bathroom floor), to pour the milk for her cereal, to spread the mayonaise on her sandwich,open the car doors,buckle herself into her carseat, and to zip herself into her warm winter jammies, spending 10 minutes on a simple task that would take me 5 seconds to do for her
and it is hard for me to surrender this control, this struggle for independance, your baby becomes a toddler much to soon, in the same way that your child becomes a teenager long before you are ready. I am attempting to navigate these new waters, in a diplomatic way while still holding onto some sense of control as in ~ I AM STILL THE MOMMY AND YOU WILL WEAR PANTS AND SHOES AND A COAT AND NOT JUST A TUTU OUTSIDE ON COLD SNOWY DAYS, and so we compromise. and pack the tutu so that she can change into it, as soon as we get to her friends house for a playdate. and change she does.
and I do realize how important it is for her to do these things on her own. The truth is, Sierra owns me, and she knows it She is the empress of my heart.
and her mantra is also my own. I do it myself! Everyday, I take care of her, support her, play with her, nurse her through all of her illness's, clean up after her, fret about her well being, attempt to fulfill and enrich her growing mind, spirit and body. and it is exhausting. Nothing in my life before Sierra could have truly prepared me for LIFE as a Single Mother raising Sierra.
She is a willful, stubborn, mischievous child, who challenges me everyday with her enthusiam for the extreme. She stacks books and toys to reach the mantle, to get at breakable treasures, she can find a lost pen in any room, and uses it to write on walls and furniture the moment that my back is turned, she breaks my jewelry, steals my change,smears my make up all over the place, poured my last 2 bottles of chanel foundation all over my sofa, rips up my mail, flushes her toys down the toilet, and stands on her dvd's, and scrapes them against the floor. when i tell her NOT TOO.She knows my weaknesses, can tell when I am exhausted, and takes advanantage the moment I let my guard down
She challenges me at every turn, and it is so extremely difficult not having some one to turn to, someone to say, " here, you take her for an hour' while I go outside and cry. or go for a walk.
and this is the reality of single parenthood. it is not all paradise and sweet smelling blooms.
It is bone weary, burst into tears, standing in the middle of the room, trembling, and shaking,screaming at your small child while she cries at the top of her lungs, and you just want to run out the door, or smash a vase against the wall, but instead, you pick up your small crumpled screaming devilish child, with snot running down her face, step over the toys strewn all over the floor that you have already picked up a thousand times, and ignore the permanent marker graffiti on your ottoman, and just hold her, and pray that you have enough strength to do it all over again tomorrow.
and everyday. "I do it myself". and I am proud of both of us. Sierra is thriving, she is bright,compassionate and loving and has an amazing memory. She knows her colours, shapes and her abc's, and has a tremendous passion for life, especially for dancing and music. She makes me laugh a thousand times a day. I try to keep things in perspective. and to always remember, how I am living the dream that I always wanted, but never believed in. I never believed that I would be lucky enough to have a healthy beautiful child of my own.
but oh god, I really really do.
and I am the lucky one. Please god, don't let my little empress grow up to fast.
old starlight - new starbright
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