prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2007-01-01 - 5:07 p.m.
I often come here, to write about something, anything else, other than Sierra, but then inevitably find myself thinking of her, and invariably end up writing about her. When I first started this diary, I was emotionally empty, I sometimes feel like sierra has humpty dumptied the broken pieces of my heart back together again. She consumes me, it is intrinsic, and utterly unexplainable.
before I became a mother, I felt like I had enough experience to understand what it would feel like, and what changes were ahead. Afterall, I am the eldest of 9, have been babysitting since I was 12, and have been a professional nanny for over 14 years. In some ways, children and babies have been my life. But nothing in my life could prepare me, for HOW MUCH I WOULD LOVE SIERRA, how much she would define me, and all of the joy and guilt and worry that goes along with it. All of my previous interests are of little interest to me now. I am still the same person, but I am living a very different life, one where I do not have the luxury to languish in my own past. All I have is this life, this instant, and a thousand things to do, at any given moment, be it the laundry, the dishes, or taking the time, out of the chaos, to pull Sierra close to me, and read her that damn book, that she keeps asking me to read over and over.
and yet, with all this joy, and happiness, comes along an undercurrent of heart achingness. the innocence is so precious and oh so fleeting., and I just want to remember it all, all the ways, Sierra navigates the world, with such bold and touchingly sweet confidence, she introduces herself to people that she meets for the first time, and says " I am Sira Bwooke , what's your name ?" She is outgoing and compassionate, and proudly displays her strong full body, performing graceful twirls ands pirouettes, with abandon.
Today we spent 2 hours at P*ottery barn kids, where she was so happily playing with the kitchen set up and refused to leave the store. She served me tea and little plastic cakes and tiny wooden sandwiches...and i was struck by the moment, how wonderous it all is. I still stumble over the word, Mommy. as in I am a mommy. I feel so strange calling and answering to mommy. for so long, I was wendy. just ordinarywendy to anyone and everyone, but to Sierra, I am indeed Mommy. and it is Magical, and most assuredly my greatest pride.
As she was clearing away the cakes, from the little table that we were sitting at, I gathered her into my arms, and said, Oh Sierra, you are growing up so fast, you are JUST growing and growing, where did my baby go? and she just laughed, her curls swinging from side to side, as she scampered free from my embrace, and said, over her shoulder, as she skipped away, " don't worry mommy, I am still little! and I am still your baby!"
I hope that the New Year is a wonderful one, for all of you. WITH LOVE,
Wendy ( sierra's mommy)
old starlight - new starbright
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