prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2007-05-08 - 9:56 a.m.
There was a time, when I wanted to be someone's wildflower girl, now Sierra is my very own wildflower. and I love how open her face is. She wears her bejeweled heart in her capivating smile, and has one of the most sincerely beautiful grins that I have ever seen.
Being her mother is such an honour. It is a constant challenge, though being a single mother. I have a new found strength and a new found vulnerability all at once. Before Sierra came into my world, I always felt like an empty vessel, in so many ways, giving birth to Sierra, creating new life, saved my very own life. I used to feel like I was drowning, I had nothing to center me, or to hold onto. Sierra has become the center of my whole world. the sum of my everything. We are always together, she is always underfoot, even in sleep, she reaches out an arm, and tucks her small hand into mine. Sometimes it can feel a bit suffocating, but I always try to remember, how short this time actually is, and how lucky, how god damn lucky, that I truly am.
but in order to do so, I have given up everything. Motherhood is joyous, but it is full of sacrifice. To do it right, to do it well, you must give of yourself entirely, in ways that you never before imagined. You must surrender the very best of yourself, up to the care and well being of another person. but this becomes easy, the moment that your child is first placed in your arms. There are not adequate words to describe the enormity of such a powerful all encompassing love, as the love between a ( mother) (father) ( parent) and a child.
I bore myself now, with how consumed I am, how contented I am, with the simple life of loving my little girl. I try not to think about romantic love, I truly only ever think about sierra, ways to make her life better, things that I can do, moment by moment to enrich her life.
Like letting her make the orange juice all by herself this morning. and watching her pour it into a (plastic) glass, and carry/spill it upstairs, as she goes running into her Uncle Brett's room, to wake him up and offer him some juice that she made all by herself, just like a big girl.
These are the heart breakingly perfect moments, the ones that you want to wrap in tissue paper and spend the rest of your life keeping safe so that you can remember them, always and it is only the not having anyone to share them with, to be as invested in her happiness as I am, that hurts. just a wee bit. it is the unexpected thorn in the underside of an otherwise rosy single parenthood. I can handle the financial strains and worry, the abscence of a social life, or ever having a moment of peace or solitude, but it is a palpable sense of loss, to not have anyone else love her, just as much as I do.
and I worry that if I can feel this loss. this small injustice, then she must feel it as well. She asks me often about her father now. where is he? what does he do? Why can't she see him, why can't she go to his house. Why can't he come to hers?! Doesn't he want to play with her and her toys?
and she tells me that she loves him very much. in all of her innocence, she loves him. Inside, I die a little bit, everytime she says this. She is saving a place in her heart, for someone totally unworthy of her sweet love. and this is the one thing that I will spend the rest of my life, trying to make up for. but until then, thank goodness, she has plenty of people in her life, who do love her. and are there, helping her when she needs it, like today when she learned to ride her new bike ( and scooter!) for the very first time.
GO Sierra GO!
old starlight - new starbright
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