she dreamed the same dream night after night~We are an orchestra of one, we are a majesty unveiling, we are newly born lovers, christening one another with mouths and hands and seeking tongues. We are everything and nothing~ Night is falling. night is falling. and I am drowning. in your arms. I am safe again. I am safe again. You surface me, and cling to me, night is falling and I am in my place again. above you, beneath you, wherever it pleases you so... oh my love, I am home again. My heart has been reborn again. the night is falling. and so am I . Falling for you ( into you, above you, through you). night is falling. night is falling. and so am i. so am i. always for you. for you.

blustarswendy3

~random vintage wendchymes~

prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08

2008-01-30 - 6:20 p.m.


It has taken me forever to update this diary, mainly because I know that noone is interested in the day to day monotony of my life, and because I have been so busy, that i sometimes feel like i am barely surfacing for air and sleep. I gulp my dreamless nights down, force myself into the bed, by 11 pm, and steel myself to rise and shine, in the dark cold chill of the still dark predawn morning. been so busy working. piecing together two and three nanny jobs a day, stitching together a small livng, so that sierra and i can live an either or life. either sierra goes to preschool 2 days a week, or gets to take ballet classes. not both. we can only (barely) afford one. either the car brakes get repaired or we pay the electric bill, etc... so many bills, not enough hours in the day to pay for them all.

and I just keep trying to move forward, sleep, wake up, dress sierra, carry her to the car, in the freezing snowy early mornings, take her with me, nannying, watch her play, watch her navigate a world, where sometimes other children, are cruel to her. ache inside, because my baby is experiencing a life i never wanted her to know, that sometimes, kids will be mean, sometimes they will call you names. sometimes they will exclude you, and sometimes they will make you feel left out, because you do not have a father, and they will point this out to you. sierra is not even 4 yet. and she is having to experience some of this. but you can be sure that i am right there, like a mother hen, dishing up time outs and giving stern lectures to the offending older kids, who are just doing what kids do, but not on my WATCH!

and then kissing my baby, and trying to make it all better. and not always knowing the right things to say, but desperate to make her feel better.

she is my whole world, this only becomes more apparent, as time ticks by. I fear that this frenzy to scrounge up a living, is eating up the greatest moments of my life. it wil never be sweeter than this, sierra will never be younger or more innocent or more precious than she is right now, at this very moment, and so i try to slow down the minutes, as they sprint by, and pause to remember, just how lucky and blessed i am, to have a reason, to get out of bed in the mornin, and do my frantic day all over again, because if i did't, i would not be worthy of sierra's sweet smile. and by god. i live solely for her smile.

aph37>

old starlight - new starbright

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