prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08

2004-02-16 - 2:36 p.m.

I am currently still in greenwich, and still doing some temp nannying. The quiet, yet familiar way of passing time gives me a false sense of monotony. Because, my life is changing minute by minute, hour to hour, in a huge way. I have less than 12 weeks until this beautiful baby comes.

and I do not think it is ever possible to be ready.

Yes, the baby has a name, and a layette and tiny clothes folded in drawers, and a stroller and a carseat, and some books, and tiny shoes. It is strange that i bought a crib last year around this time, in the hope of someday adopting a baby when I was more financially secure. Now that round canopied crib, trimmed in satin ribbon and tulle sits in the corner of my room, awaiting the precious arrival of an unexpected fate.

I wish that this pregnancy could have been different, in that, in the early days, I wish that I could have afforded myself the luxury of happiness, instead of panic and fear and the crushing sense of being totally alone. It was never a feeling of not wanting this baby, in fact nothing could be further from the truth. In essence, I have wanted this baby for as long as I can remember. My unhappiness came from a gnawing terror that I would not be able to provide this baby with everything that he/she deserves.

In the beginning weeks, it was very hard to accept the coming reality, especially when every day I was facing extreme nausea and morning sickness. The focus was less on the baby and more on surviving each day. At night, it was hard to sleep, always the darkest of hours brought the darkest of thoughts. and that cruel little voice in my head that told me that I couldn't do this alone. That I wasn't strong enough. and that I was fooling myself if I thought I could do it.

sometimes I wondered if I was doing the right thing.

and yet, everyone everywhere, seemed to have babies and kids. and I would look at the perfectly matched couples in the malls, shopping at Baby Gap, and think to myself, "wow, look how easy it is for the mated ones " how something so simple. as the ability to have a child and to somehow find a way to support it, seems like such a small thing that most people take for granted, but for me, it feels virtually impossible.

at one time in my life, trips to europe and expensive handbags and dining at pricy restaurants came so easily to me.

but relationships and children and love. the real sustenance of life

felt as foreign a concept to me as sanskrit.

and, months later, as my morning sickness continued way past the point of normalcy, I was convinced that the powers that be, would punish me, and take this baby away from me. because afterall, who was I to deserve something so spectacular ? I went from fearing the baby, to fearing losing something that I had barely ever even had.

But, somehow Every Dr's appointment, brings me one step closer. to that exquisite moment,at every check up when the nurse presses the Fetal Doppler to my belly and the room fills with the spinning scent of white roses as a rapid rapturous aria of the baby's tiny heartbeat thuds lubdublubdublubdub and always the sound reminds me of the flutter of hummingbirds wings.

and I fall even more madly madly madly in love.

and then came the day, when I walked alone, into the ultrasound room. and I didn't care that I was alone. when everyone else in the waiting room, was clutching the hand of their mate. because I was riveted by the black and white flickering image. of my baby. dancing on the screen.

and the technician, showed me the baby's heart. and I could see it perfectly.

and, if it is at possible, I fell even more deeply in love.

My baby has a heart. My baby has a face. My baby has 2 lips and a tiny nose. My baby has knees and legs and a perfectly round belly.

My baby is real! a dream coming to life, a beautiful butterfly emerging from my ordinary shell.

and that is when, it became so much more real. and being afraid was not an option.

pregnancy is a process. You go through so many stages and changes, both emotional and physical. With every growing curve of your body, comes a deeper sense of your destined purpose in this sometimes spectacular world. The survival of the species is so primal, but the minute I saw the silhouette of my precious baby's face. My heart was born.

and now it is not so much about the fear. I still am afraid of labor, afraid that I will not be able to do it, but there is a pressing urgency to get the baby here, safely. Suddenly my life is no longer about me. I have sold my stock just to survive, moved my copious purses and shoes and clothes to the attic, stopped eating out, and haven't bought a single thing for myself in 7 months. I no longer go to the movies, buy cd's or makeup, can't imagine taking a vacation, or dating, ever again.

As well as the fact that when I became pregnant I had to give up my search for my new dream job. I had just reached the inside pinnacle of my career, as a College Educated nanny with over 12 years experience in Childcare and Estate Management/Personal Concierge service. And could have basically named my salary, working for the wealthiest of families but you can't nanny and have your own baby, so I had to give up my career and all the finacial security that it would have provided me with.

but some things are worth everything, as any cost and I am completely and totally focused. on this baby. I plan to breastfeed, and am hoping to do some free lance office work from home, when the baby is born.

last week, I had severely painful contractions, a false labor of sorts. The pain was swift and intense, and spread with a redheat kind of sinuous threading that would pitch into a severely painful tightening of the entire uterus. As I have just started my 7th month, this was definately not a good thing.

I was afraid. but for the first time, I wasn't afraid of the pain, I was afraid for the baby.

I have worked so hard, and come so far. Everything is in place. For 2 and a half days, the sporatic pains continued. and I felt so tender and sore.

and so protective of my belly. I could feel the baby flipping around inside of me, and I would whisper. " please stay in there, where you are safe, please wait until the time is right and your stars are all perfectly aligned. and then.i promise. you can come to me. oh please. come softly into the white light to me and never look back"

It turns out, that the contractions were brought on by overexertion and dehydration. I have to drink fresh water constantly. but it looks like everything is just fine.

The baby and I have passed every blood test and everything seems to be as it should. All is well, in the snowglobe wonderworld of my great white belly.

and now when I fall asleep, I am not so afraid anymore.

instead of wondering how will I ever be able to do this alone....

I wonder instead. What the baby will look like, and where will we put the pony that I promised her... if she will just wait.....

until the time is right. for her to be born.

yes. that's right. it's a girl! a beautiful. beautiful . BEAUTIFUL. baby. girl.