prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2002-07-08 - 7:35 p.m.
oh how I remember, that birthday midnight on the green, so twinkly and blue with stars, with only the aria of crickets and deep throated frogs humming happy birthday to us and you and I, tangled up in blades of summer grass, your fingers like maribou feathers on my throat, possessively stroking the melting whitechocolate hollow of my neck, feeling the vibrations tremble through your fingertips when I spoke aloud. I whispered into your ear, in a voice heavy with the heat of that long ago, arid, August night,
"I miss you"
even though every part of you, was softly pressed against me. In that exact moment, I did miss you,( more than words could ever convey)
Alas, some desperate, muted, celestial piece of me, was viewing it all from this great great distance, of a million miles and a million years. because, here I sit, silent witness to the future of my past, curved around the thin layers of my chilled sadness, in my spinster lilac room, sterile and alone. Isolated from the flesh and heat of a long ago, flamed with passion, aug(us)t night
Don't you see, I wanted/I NEEDED to pull you in deeper, grip you tighter, fighting the space of molecular gravity,desperately, obsessively trying to swallow you whole, in my selfish consuming ways, because I never, ever, learned how to let go.
You once told me , that "freedom can not be given, it can only be taken." Well, Nothing has ever set me free from that night. Nothing has ever set me free from loving you. You took my freedom, and I gladly surrendered. and in time,( against my will) I went on to even love another, but still you were always tethered to me, as intrinsic a part of my life, as my own breath. and now I realize that I was never a slave to your love, I was a slave to my inability to just simply let go.
I need to be christened again. in the name of love. for myself. for pureness of heart. for wanting to love. for being loved. for deserving both, and not accepting one without the other. I can not mistake the mouth of a stranger as my salvation. or elusive blue eyes as the fount of true love. the world does not revolve around me, but I revolve around the way I evolve.( or in my case, stagnate) and I grow tired of yearning for a ressurection yet to come, when the only one who can save me, is me. I would never NEVER NEVER give up on you,but why is it so damn easy to give up on myself?
old starlight - new starbright
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