prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2006-04-25 - 9:58 p.m.
two years ago tonight, i couldn't sleep, because i knew that in the morning, my whole life would change. I knew that the next day I was being induced, at the hospital to give birth to a very large baby girl.
but I had no idea how that really was going to play out, I couldn't realistically imagine myself, being the girl in the bed, actually giving birth, something that I had watched a thousand times before, on the discovery channels something that seemingly happened to other people, but not lonely spinster girls.
and as for the baby, i couldn't imagine what she would look like, a real tangible baby, even though I had held a hundred babies before, I could never imagine what it would feel like to hold one, that was truly mine, one that would call me mommy.
The very idea of your body, creating a whole other living, breathing, uniquely powerfully beautiful opionionated little creature, that in striking moments, in flashes of fractured seconds resembles you, and in the next one, looks like someone else entirely, with an ever changing beauty, always evolving, like a slowly developing photograph, like the surface of water, like everything at once, heartachingly beautiful and so god damn fragile...is just so amazing to me.
life. a whole new life.
and she came mewling, into this world. with nary a cry, and ... when she was lifted from my body, and placed on my chest, skin to skin, all i could think about, was this is where my life begins.
and oh what a life it is. She makes me smile a thousand times a day, she brings tears to my eyes, my heart is forever pressing against my chest, bursting at the seams, with love for this exqusitie little being,
and it is not because, she was born to me, it is not because she has my mouth or mannerisms, it is simply because. I love her. and she loves me back.
I wish I could have more children, I wish I could give birth to several more, and I also wish I could adopt some. The day to day realities of finances and the inevitableness of my eventual return to full time work, do not make that practical or likely to happen at all.
but I am putting it out there, into the universe. I am so humbled and grateful for the experience of raising my daughter. and I am open to anything that you send my way.
If you had told me 3 years ago, that I would end up a single mother, living in syracuse, raising a precious little girl, I would have laughed at the absurdity of it all.
I never allowed myself, the luxury of envisioning my life, with a child of my own.
but here I am.
and everyday I try my very best. to be worthy. of her smile.
old starlight - new starbright
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