prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2006-09-03 - 3:25 p.m.
It may be damp and gray outside, but the cool crispness of the misted night air has finally seeped into my room... and I am so grateful for the coolness.
This summer has been somewhat unbearable, too much humidity and heat and I for one shall not complain about the lingering rain from Tropical Storm Ernesto... I view it as a gift of good sleeping weather...
and sleep is what I have needed so badly, because I was so violently ill, with the flu for days.... and watching sierra
was herculean in it's enormity when one can't leave their bed, but motherhood has no such thing as sick days... so I limped around, and watched with vague disinterest as she got into a bag full of my cosmetics and proceded to make up her face like a clown, and all I could think was " oh well, she is fine... so what if she makes a mess, when they come in the morning to remove my dead dehydrated body, the hazmat team can clean it all up..."
eventually sierra took pity on my limp, gasping form, and came and got in the bed with me, with her clown face on... and popped her binky in her mouth, and fell asleep....
and somehow we survived.. I knew doing it all on my own would be hard, but oh god, sometimes it is just
* so * hard,
and , even then, even in those moments, when I feel like I can't keep all the pieces of us together... ( and dear god, how hard I try, working 2- 3 babysitting jobs a day with sierra in tow,) I get to fall asleep next to my little angel, clutching my hand... in her newfound sleep...
and in those moments I feel my heart scraping against my chest, and I just start thanking god, over and over, for the gift of sierra.
and occasionally I try to cast my mind back, to the things that I used to be able to do, before sierra, before 24/7 responsibility, before financial ruin,
and everything that I ever did...seems now, like a time filler...
I was always desperately trying to fill the empty hours, with the pursuit of happiness, a happiness that I never found... until 9 lbs of flesh and brown curls came tumbling into my life..
sierra makes me real.
sierra embroidered me into the tapestry of this life,
when i die. i have left something beautiful and real. behind, no longer will I slip through the cracks of obscurity. perhaps I never attained romantic love, but I still have something meaningful to prove that I existed.
and it is so empowering. and freeing.
that I don't care about all those 0's in my bank account.
just give me cool sleeping air... and my baby and me, curled up under the duvet, with sippee cups of warm milk and real cocoa watching yet again, her shrek dvd.
finally I found happiness. or rather. when I stopped looking.
it found me.
old starlight - new starbright
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