prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2001-12-31 - 10:35 a.m.
Last night, I dreamt that I was in a black ocean, swimming with a thick white cotton blanket, that I had dragged in with me. It spread out like the wings of a giant moth, and became heavier than a literal ton of bricks. The weight of the water and the blanket was to much force, and was pulling me down, down, down, through the cold dark lonely layers of the sea. I went so deep, that I could no longer see the surface, or the faint glimmer of slivered moonlight.
Suddenly, it occured to me, just let go, wendy
just *goddamn* let go.
and so I did,and the relief was instantaneous! I floated gently back to the surface, and came to rest softly like a tiny lily pad on a pond. I watched the blanket twisting and spinning in the darkness, like a desperate soldier waving a white peace flag. Alas, it kept disappearing deeper, until I could not see it anymore.
Then, I tried to return to the shore. In the darkness, it was hard to make out the jagged edge of safety, but instinctively I headed for it. When I was very close to the shelf of the mouth of sand, I took a trepadacious half step, still paddling, and then turned to glance behind me. A gigantic wave was heading my way, rolling with intense fury.It had a carnivourous and jagged face, lashing and looming in a possessive curve, aiming straight for me. I was terrified, safety was so close, but terror was moving faster than me.
Then, it happened.
The wave broke and arched over me. Somehow, it was trying to reclaim me, deliver me to the bottom of the sea. I was not struggling. I remained very still, and in that instant, I realised, that there was a small pocket of air, and even in the midst of the unrelenting consuming grip of the wave, I could still breathe. I was breathing.I was BREATHING. and then, just like that, the wave dissipated. The power of the tsunami fading, it retreated in slow, defeated, deflated ways.
I think that last night, the ocean was trying to teach me some of my truths.
I will try to let go.
and If I am still breathing, I will be ok.
and when I awoke, it was with the realization that there is still breath in my body.
Before last night, I thought each breath brought you closer to death, but now I realise that each breath is bringing me closer to the surface of my life.
old starlight - new starbright
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