prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2008-06-28 - 5:35 p.m.
Sierra, there are so many things that I want you to know, and understand. You are unfolding like a flower, before my very eyes, and it is astounding and mystifying and thrilling for me to watch you grow into this unique little person with your own individual desires and passions. it is both simple and complex, this discovery of self, of sierra. of the wonderfully beautiful person that you are.
Before you came into my life, I literally spent hours and hours, wondering endlessly, who you would become. Who you would be like, would you be like me ? and about the things that you would love and the way that you would express and choose to define yourself.
the simple and the complex things. would you like chocolate or vanilla? together we have discovered that you actually prefer strawberry. (who knew!) would you be shy or extroverted ? you are majestically both. more often than not, extroverted, but with a dash of sudden awareness, you can become shy, and then will open back up after a moment, and go back to holding court and taking center stage. you can be both soft, and loud. you can fill a room, with your prescence, but almost always have a muted filter of sweetness and empathy. you are very aware of your feelings, and I am very proud at the way you navigate your emotions, yours and others. You want to make sense of this world, you want there to be an innate fairness, and you are excellent at trying to negotiate more minutes to play on the playground, more books to check out of the library, one more treat, one more special privilige, and if for some reason, you are denied, you want to understand the reasoning behind it and try to arrange a compromise.
I have also noticed that you are very good at picking up on the subtle nuances of my feelings, you study my face, and question things that others would barely have noticed. We are a very in synch mother and daughter team. I exhale, and you breathe in.
in a nutshell. you are my best friend, my whole life.
I worry that you will feel the weight of this. as you grow up. Already the weeks, month, years have flown by. There was a moment in time when I measured you in hours. as in, the baby is 7 hours old. 12 hours. etc. I could not be dismissed from the hospital until you were 24 hours old. and then it was weeks and months. and now years. but all this time that has passed, over 4 years, feels no different to me. it is an impossible task, this passage of time, for a mother to accept. it is like watching a photo develop, with every layer that you gain, you lose some of the shapeless past. I close my eyes, and try so hard to remember holding you as a baby, the achingly precious sound of your baby giggle. every mother is holding onto their child's past and the present, all at the same time. trying not to let go of either one. both are so precious . who you were. and who you are
who you were. to me. is the same as who you are to me.
but the job description keeps changing. as you gain your independence, I am losing some of the control. you now choose your own clothes. you have a say about what you want to do, where you want to go, what you want to eat, how you want to wear your hair. what you want to watch on tv.
left to your own devices, you would exist solely on a diet of pasta, potatoes, peas, blueberries, corn on the cob, salad with ranch dressing, ice cream and strawberry yogurt.
you would watch ninja turtles and scooby doo, and prefer mickey mouse to cinderella. any day of the week. hate to wear pants and demand skirts and dresses.
love to run and swim. and have a fearless approach to life, you live and love boldly. make easy friends with anyone, often approching older kids on the playground and disarming there natural indifference, with " hi, i am sierra, whats your name, wanna play with me?"
I could learn a lot from you. and i do. continually. I believe with all my heart that you were sent forth into my life, for a very important reason.
and I love watching you become the extrodinary person that you are. I want you to have the same confidence that you exhude now, all of your life. I fear that time and experiences, will chip away at your belief in yourself. I fear that you will allow weaker people, to tell you who you are, try to define yourself with relationships and material things of no substance. because who you are right now, Is magnificent. this is the spark that you will carry all the days of your life. I do not want fear or rejection to ever consume you. I do not want you to believe in other people's lies or fairy tales.
I want you to remember your story, the way that it is right now. That you are beautiful inside and out, that you are loved and cherished, and treasured. and that you have tremendous value and worth. and not just because your mother thinks so. everyond you encounter, has been touched in some way by your prescence, you bring a smile to everyone's face everyday.
so please believe. in your magicalness, my precious little girl. it is every child's right. let no person ever take that away from you,, mi estrella azul .
tonight. this is my fervent prayer.
old starlight - new starbright
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